Stock Market Investing

Original article is here.

Let’s not bullshit each other: we all love money, and want as much of it as fucking possible.

Deep down inside, we’d like to roll around every day in a gigantic swimming pool filled with gold coins and thousand dollar bills, just like Scrooge McDuck, Bill Gates, and the guy who bet 30 pieces of silver on Jesus to come back on Easter.

Now, you can actually go to the trouble of building a business and running it in order to make your money.

But if you’re anything like me, you’d rather spend your days getting up at 11 AM, watching cartoons ‘til 2 p.m., and having no real responsibilities that don’t involve watching Mama’s Family recordings before your Tivo runs out of space and deletes them.

So what’s your next best option?

Stock market investing—as long as you know what you’re doing.

Now, some people think that it’s as easy as listening to the experts’ advice.

“Just invest in so-and-so fund or do what so-and-so tells you to do, and you’ll be alright.”

But if that were really the case, what do you think would happen?

“Everyone would follow the experts and make a shitload of money.”

Jesus Christ—are you actually listening to yourself?

We can’t all beat the market—that doesn’t make any fucking sense!

If there are people who beat the market, someone has to actually own underperforming stocks and underperforming portfolios.

“But,” you might counter, “the laggers are generally the ones who don’t follow the experts. They simply go about it on their own, and pay the consequences.”

How fucking naïve are you!

That’s exactly what Mr. “Buy My Newsletter” and Mrs. “Invest in My Fund” want you to believe.

Why?

Because they’re not going to be able to afford their Armani suits and Jaguars XJ6s if you think you can do it on your own.

But in reality, they’re not any different than some “psychic” consulting a magic eight ball.

In fact, they’re more like a “psychic” using a broken magic eight ball.

Because Madame Stock Wizard might lie, but the numbers don’t.

During the 1990s, the average professionally managed stock mutual fund earned an annual return of 13.9%, while the average stock went up 16.3% per year.

In other words, millions of people paid 2.4% of their money per year for the privilege of losing that 2.4% of their money per year.

But then why do people keep on coming back to professionals?

So they can say, “Dagbnabbit, I can’t believe that piece of shit motherfucking fund manager bought that stock,” “Dagbnabbit, I can’t believe that piece of shit motherfucking broker told me to buy that stock,” or “Dagnabbit, I can’t believe that piece of shit motherfucking analyst told me to buy that stock,” instead of “Dagnabbit, I can’t believe that I bought that stock “

But the truth is that 97.78% of professional money managers fail to beat the average blindfolded monkey.

I’m not kidding you.

A blindfolded monkey pointing to stocks in the Wall Street Journal will usually kick that crap out of a trained, experienced broker, mutual fund manager, hedge fund manager, or stock picking guru.

So what does that mean to you?

Simple.

You can put yourself ahead of almost all investors simply by getting a monkey and blindfolding him.

However, that strategy does have its disadvantages.

For starters, monkeys usually don’t smell that great, and they’re liable to make a fucking mess of your house.

Not to mention the fact that even the Warren Buffetts of blindfolded monkeys sometimes have their off years.

I should know. My best performing monkey from 1990-1999 advised me to bet half the farm on JDS Uniphase in 2000—and three years later… well, let’s just say that I ate a lot of monkey meat in 2003.

But if you don’t simply listen to your monkeys, how can you gain a market beating edge through some sort of strategy?

By making informed decisions based on PE ratios, price and volume changes, future earnings projections, and SEC Filings?

Get the fuck out of here with that shit!

Do you think you’re the only one who knows that Company A has a PE ratio of 17, Company B is trading at a 52 week low, and Company C is supposed to earn 87 cents next year?

Everyone and their mamma knows that!

As far as I’m concerned, you can take the results of your fundamental and technical analyses and flush them down the fucking toilet—because they’re worth about as much as the other shit that flows through your pipes.

Why?

Because aside from listening to blindfolded monkeys, there’s only one way to consistently outperform both the market and your monkeys on each and every trade: identifying and following the smart money.

Now, when I say “smart money,” I more or less mean Jewish money. And when I say “Jewish money,” I more or less mean illegal trades based on inside information. And when I say “illegal trades based on inside information,” I mean the buys and sells of the Rothschild family.

The whole point of stock picking is to buy whatever the Rothschilds are buying, and sell whatever the Rothschilds are selling.

That’s the only way to beat the market through actual strategy. Everything else is 100% luck.

Now, blindfolded monkeys have an unusual ability to sense the flow of Rothschild money, just like how dogs have an unusual sense of direction.

But blindfolded monkeys are more like half dogs, half stubborn-guys-who get-lost-and-refuse-to-ask-for-directions-or-so-much-as-look-at-a-map—and as we all know, guys like that might head out from LA to Disneyland and somehow end up in a Tijuanan prison.

And I don’t know about you, but I prefer riding “It’s a Small World” to being ridden by a 280 pound Mexican rapist in a small cell.

But the point is, if you’re ever on trial in Mexico…

I mean, in order to guarantee superior stock market returns year in and year out, it’s necessary to find and follow the Rothschilds.

And you can bet your ass that identifying Rothschild money isn’t as easy as looking up a PE ratio or staring at a price and volume chart.

Suppose you come across a stock that seems clearly undervalued.

Your first instinct might be to buy it.

But the right move might actually be to short it.

And why?

Because there’s a good chance the Rothschilds know something and are selling the shit out of it—and once the information is made public, your so-called Undervalued Company Inc. will look like the most overvalued piece of shit on the entire planet.

But how can you figure out what the Rothschild money is flowing?

… How the fuck should I know!?

If I knew that, don’t you think I’d be rolling around in my own swimming pool of bills and gold, and not sharing the information with any asshole who happens to pick up this book?

Jesus – you really are naïve!

Just consider the money you spent on this book to be an education in the ways of the world.

And the next time someone says he can show you how to make a fortune doing this or doing that, just check your pocket to see if your wallet is still there.